Reflection of Myself...2002
9/12/02
Reflection of Myself
The combination of events leading up to this point in my life have led me to the conclusion of my not being able to be alone. I'm not sure if I fear it exactly, I'm just incapable of it. All of my life I've had a companion, something following along my path with me every step I took. In school growing up I was consistently among the "popular" groups and was always accepted. Although having numerous friends, I've always had one BEST friend. One sidekick. Me and this person constantly attached at the hip, sharing intimate and personal details of our lives. And as much as I love(d) this person or truly believe I couldn't live a day without them, anything could happen to where I switch my sidekick. The reasons could be good or bad or so simple as a move or change of interest. Since I started dating, I've moved from one boyfriend to the next. I've strung people along until a new one was found. I've stayed in unhappy relationships and I've made impossible relationships work and last - and for what? Because I just couldn't stand to be alone. I'll complain about my cell phone ringing constantly and then look down upon life for its' silence. I'll crave time alone and wish for a quiet day to myself but to be connected to someone immediately after I'm left alone. In the car driving I'll be on the phone, I don't even walk around campus without a cigarette locked between my fingers. That cigarette is giving me a sense of security and is directing my attention to something other than the fact that I'm walking alone. Casey and Rachel were blessings in disguise to go to my college. Today without them, I had no where to go, no one to eat with and nothing else to think about except for how alone I am in my new life. I know no one at school. I even feel left out with those two because they grew up together and I'm kind of the person that needs 100% of my friends attention. It was also hard to go from my old job, somewhere I have worked for 2.5 years to a job where I don't know a single soul. Even though I know everyone likes me, I can't help but feel like an outsider when I walk into the restaurant and everyone is grouped off and I stand alone. That is not my personality or my preference. I need people to depend on me, enjoy my presence and demand my attention. Being alone gives me a feeling of inadequacy. I'm a walking contradiction appearing to be the number one most confident person who doesn't care about others' opinions of me - which couldn't be more true but then when I'm doing something someone might object of, it's usually for someone else, to impress, make them laugh or increase their liking towards me. I don't care at all but I care so much. I'll leave my house without makeup not caring but couldn't give a speech in high school for the feat that people would talk shit on me. I hate talking in front of my classes because I don't want everyone's eyes judging me but I will dance on a table so everyone can see.
2002 yet still so timeless....
Reflection of Myself
The combination of events leading up to this point in my life have led me to the conclusion of my not being able to be alone. I'm not sure if I fear it exactly, I'm just incapable of it. All of my life I've had a companion, something following along my path with me every step I took. In school growing up I was consistently among the "popular" groups and was always accepted. Although having numerous friends, I've always had one BEST friend. One sidekick. Me and this person constantly attached at the hip, sharing intimate and personal details of our lives. And as much as I love(d) this person or truly believe I couldn't live a day without them, anything could happen to where I switch my sidekick. The reasons could be good or bad or so simple as a move or change of interest. Since I started dating, I've moved from one boyfriend to the next. I've strung people along until a new one was found. I've stayed in unhappy relationships and I've made impossible relationships work and last - and for what? Because I just couldn't stand to be alone. I'll complain about my cell phone ringing constantly and then look down upon life for its' silence. I'll crave time alone and wish for a quiet day to myself but to be connected to someone immediately after I'm left alone. In the car driving I'll be on the phone, I don't even walk around campus without a cigarette locked between my fingers. That cigarette is giving me a sense of security and is directing my attention to something other than the fact that I'm walking alone. Casey and Rachel were blessings in disguise to go to my college. Today without them, I had no where to go, no one to eat with and nothing else to think about except for how alone I am in my new life. I know no one at school. I even feel left out with those two because they grew up together and I'm kind of the person that needs 100% of my friends attention. It was also hard to go from my old job, somewhere I have worked for 2.5 years to a job where I don't know a single soul. Even though I know everyone likes me, I can't help but feel like an outsider when I walk into the restaurant and everyone is grouped off and I stand alone. That is not my personality or my preference. I need people to depend on me, enjoy my presence and demand my attention. Being alone gives me a feeling of inadequacy. I'm a walking contradiction appearing to be the number one most confident person who doesn't care about others' opinions of me - which couldn't be more true but then when I'm doing something someone might object of, it's usually for someone else, to impress, make them laugh or increase their liking towards me. I don't care at all but I care so much. I'll leave my house without makeup not caring but couldn't give a speech in high school for the feat that people would talk shit on me. I hate talking in front of my classes because I don't want everyone's eyes judging me but I will dance on a table so everyone can see.
2002 yet still so timeless....